The Heat is On

Sweltering. Suffocating. Blistering. Hellacious. Hot. Hot. Hot.

Over the past week every afternoon I get into my car the thermostat reads somewhere between 91 and 106 degrees.  Mind you this doesn't not take into account the 100% humidity, which according to the weather man on the radio means that our days are running somewhere between 101 and 116 degrees.  

hot as two rats screwing in a wool sock

hot as a three pecker billy goat

sweating like a pregnant whore in church

and my personal favorite....

hot as a Mississippi leg hound in a room full of corduroy

Chef has a saying for every season.   This summer is brutal.  I lug around The Sprout, who at 4 months old can barely maintain a normal body temperature and immediately takes on the hue of boiled shrimp when she hits the heat...sweat pouring out of her every pore... and of course Lil' Bit who at 2 years old refuses to let me put her hair in pony tail so it becomes plastered to her face and neck irritating the hell out her...which her in turn leads to her irritating the hell out me, which manifests itself as steam exploding out of my ears.

Chef's mom gave us a lovely set of popsicle molds and we have been indulging in popsicles, both virgin and spiked.  Ice cold popsicles are one of two reasons to go outdoors in this terrible weather...the other being to go for a swim of course.  But even the most azure pools are feeling more like bathwater in this heat...which is just gross.  The beach...is a tough call.  The ocean is cool, but the sand amplifies the sun making you feel like a chicken in a solar oven.  Lil' Bit...too small to really enjoy the Atlantic surf, likes to sit right at the water's edge which is fun until you stand up and realize that half the beach is sitting inside the crotch of your bathing suit and you find yourself sweating before you can even get back to your beach towel.

It is this weather that makes me wonder what kind of lunatics moved to Florida before the invention of air conditioner.  When ice cubes were a luxury item delivered once a week in one giant block.  My family on my father's side were Florida Pioneers.  Man eating reptiles, bugs, and heat that literally kills people...they must have been running from the law or just plain nuts.  

The heat is on people. The heat is on.  My advice, stay the hell out of it.